my-speck

i'm pregnant and it's going to be a rollercoaster

nervous December 10, 2008

Hi Speck,

its your 12 week scan today (11 w 6d is where you are – so pretty on the mark)- the NT-plus test where they work out some probabilities of you having downs sydrome etc.  Its all done by blood test and ultrasound, so I’m excited to see you again, but I think understandably, also a little nervous.  I have read the material about what will happen, and your dad and I have talked about what the outcomes might be and our possible choices based on those outcomes, but it is hard to conceptualise until its really happening – a little more room for emotion and other things to creep in.

I’m also slightly concerned about ultrasounds in general after having a chat to a friend earlier in the week who was worried about them.  I’ve done some reading and there are some studies that make some tentative links between ultrasounds and reduced foetal development (in summary there are some of the opinion that parts of your brain/nerves might not develop as well if you are ultrasounded a lot compared to not at all/just a little).  So I’m also a bit tentative about the whole ultrasounding thing – I might have a chat to the doctor today about this and ask that they just keep it to a minimum – ie what they need to do but minimum time ultrasounding if possible.  Then next time I go to the obs I can have a chat to him about it and get another opinion too.   Trying to keep open-minded about it but also a little cautious – overall I think I believe in minimum intervention where possible, so really, not ultrasounding you unless medically advisable for solid reasons does make good sense.   Hopefully we’ll see you soon enough anyway – and in the flesh!

Otherwise, my exams are weighing on my mind too – but I just want them over and done with.  Sick of trying to study.  Need to do a bunch more but time is running out.  And its really a secondary concern at this point – its just adding to my overall level of stress / nervousness.

So today your dad and I go into the clinic, I give some blood and then half an hour later they come and do the ultrasound and do some measurements, and then I think all of this data gets fed into a central Australian database of other ‘noids results (tests and baby health etc) and then they come up with some kind of probability that you do/don’t have the chromosomal abnormality that causes downs syndrome.  I’m going to Sydney Ultrasound for Women, who have some info on their website about it. I’ve been there before – thats where your first two scans were from. Then I guess we get options for more testing and a counsellor talks to us about the results. Its a pity you can’t talk too and let us know how you’re doing. I’d like to have your opinion.

Love you, will definitely see you later today. Be well!

mum

 

Hi Again – oh my goodness we saw you moving around! November 28, 2008

Hello Little Speccie!

How are you doing today?? I’m pretty excited this morning because I feel like you’re even more real – yesterday we went to the obstetrician & he did an external ultrasound and we could see that you’ve got bigger. I couldn’t stop laughing so it was hard for him to take some pictures of you, because my tummy kept moving around. I think it was contagious, ’cause the next thing that happened was that you started to wriggle around. A lot. In fact if I didn’t know that your eyes were closed (and potentially not even working yet or really there) I would have said that you were trying to swing around to get a look at us. Oh my goodness – it looked funny and cute and crazy all at the same time. Very strange thing to be looking at a picture of inside your own body and see something parasitical-looking (yep, you truly look like you could just be an amoeba or something that got in my drinking water somehow then grew to giant proportions – again – don’t take it personally at the rate you’re growing you’ll look better in no time) move around of its own accord… I can’t feel you moving yet, I think that comes in at least a few more weeks, but possibly even more, but it was cool to see you. Your dad and I got really excited. Your heart is still beating away very quickly too.

but I think as you get a bit bigger its definitely going to become mighty squishy down in there for all my organs..

So, the pictures the doctor took of you – the first one is you in the middle with your head on the left hand side of the photo as you look at it.

Speck you are bigger!

Speck you are bigger!

Next is where he was trying to measure you.   So the measurements are written on it:

33.7 mm long!

33.7 mm long!

Apparently all else is going well, but I guess you can’t tell all that much at this stage.  Apparently my uterus is just starting to pop out over my pubis, so that is the start of the belly that will develop.

Anyway, we’re both excited cause you look bigger, and were moving about a lot.  And you’re now over 3cm big!  So fast!

So, hope you continue to laugh down in there. Your dad blew you a rather large rasberry this morning.  Did you feel it & have a chuckle?

love you

mum

 

… Maybe Hashimoto is an ok person after all November 14, 2008

Filed under: emotion,healthcare,pregnancy — rakster @ 11:20 am
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Good morning!

I feel today like I’m getting more accustomed to the thought of you being around. Still very weird and I’m sure it’s you disrupting my sleep patterns, but easier about it somehow.

Went to the endocrinologist today, and she says that all I need to do is keep taking the tablets and repeat blood tests pretty frequently in order to keep Hashimoto under control. She also said that while you do use my thyroid’s T4 at least up to around week 13, when you develop your own thyroid, I am only just under the normal range now, so we found it in time and you should be AOK just fine. Yippee! So you should be fine, your dad and I can stop panicking (well, I can stop panicking and he can stop trying to have to reassure me), and we can continue to be excited about you coming along. In 32 weeks! aaaaahhh!!

Woot! Anyway, I’m feeling all happy and good and excited and looking forward to the weekend.

Love you & your grandad says hello too this morning.
mum

 

Hashimoto and me.. November 13, 2008

Hiya Speck,

so its been another rollercoaster day, with a bit of crying, a bit of laughing, a bit of singing and now a bit of writing.

The crying:
I didn’t tell you the other day ’cause I didn’t think it was necessarily anything, but one of my blood tests came back with a funny result so I went in three days ago and had some more. And I found out today that based on those I have Hashimoto’s disease.  Woot.  What does it mean?  Well, from what I can gather my white blood cells are attacking my thyroid, and so that might be contributing to my general feelings of exhaustion and inability to concentrate. Though of course, that could just be you also.  You can have a read of what the mayo clinic say if you want:  Hashimoto’s Disease. Bloody Hashimoto. Anyway, felt fine at the doctors when he was telling me but then lost it when I was trying to pay and when I rang your dad to let him know. Makes me feel old. I find it hard to believe that I’m only 32 yet I’m going to have a disease which I have to take medicine for all the rest of my life! And – I’ve already told you how much I hate blood tests – I have to have them relatively frequently to monitor it. Erk!! Anyway, it sounds like for you it might be bad news too – but hopefully we’ve found it in time & it won’t affect your development. I’ve had a search but can’t find much information about it – if I was taking a drug the whole time I was pregnant apparently its ok and little effect on you, but not sure what it means that I’m 8 weeks pregnant and only just starting. I know you don’t get your own thyroid gland until later, so hopefully you just don’t need anything at the moment…

..was going to write more but the tiredness is inescapable. going for a nap. love you.

-r

 

Exercising and checking up on you. November 5, 2008

Filed under: exercise,healthcare,pregnancy — rakster @ 11:10 am
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Did I mention last week that you played your first two ultimate games?  Well, you did.  Last week we went down in both games, and last night you played your third and fourth and we went down again.  You’d better not be an unlucky talisman: though to be honest I think it was more to do with the team as a whole than any influence you had.

You also had your first bicycle commute to and from work on Monday this week.  And my legs are feeling it today.  Go 9 weeks without riding and then try it again, and it hurts a bit.  I even went in granny gear almost the whole way and got overtaken by every man and his dog.  Sore legs despite all that.  I’m hoping to keep riding with you for a long time though I’ve read that my balance might start to go a bit funny at some stage and then it will be harder and potentially not as safe to ride.  We’ll see how I go.

So! Big day today for you.  Its the second time we are going to try and have a look at you and see if you’re growing well & all of those things.  I’m taking ten minutes out from work to write to you, cause I’m feeling slightly distracted / worried / excited / nervous and happy/unhappy all at the same time.  Its at 4pm today, so I’ll have to hold out a number of hours more.  Lets hope its all good for you and you’ve got bigger, developed a heartbeat and look a bit more like a tadpole than just the indiscriminate blob you looked like last time.  No offence – I’m sure you were beautiful for your stage of development, but I’m not quite reconciled to whether babies are cute really at all, so going for a cute blob is definitely pushing the boundaries.  Don’t develop a complex over it, its not worth it.  You’ll change 🙂

So, see you later this afternoon, don’t take offence at the intrusion into your world – we’re just checking up on you.

love you specky

-mum

 

you are there! October 28, 2008

Filed under: exercise,healthcare,pregnancy — rakster @ 11:02 pm
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Hi Speck!

Howzit?  Popped out from work today to the doctors to get a bloodtest following our appointment yesterday, and the doctor called just after 5 to say that apparently my body is trying pretty hard to make you comfortable and my hcg levels have risen from 526 two weeks ago to 36 000 today.  Which is a good thing.  I still need to go in and have a dating and viability scan with you, which is next Wednesday, but in the meantime its nice to know that my body is madly producing hormones to try to make you happy down there.  So suck them in and grow, got it?

What else? Well, you got your first big workout tonight too.  First night of frisbee summer season – you’re playing in Div 2 & Div 3 with me – so it was a pretty long & tiring but good run for the evening.  We went down in our first game 18-9 and down in our second by one point.  Really I didn’t notice you at all (which is not really surprising given how big you are), but I did notice the tyre-like fleshy protruberence around my belly which seems to mysteriously have grown since I stopped exercising nine weeks ago.  So that’s it – from later this week we are back on the exercise wagon.  The doctor said its pretty much impossible to shake you out, so short of getting hit by a car, biking to and from work is back on the agenda.

Its late, I’m very tired, and the naseous feeling I was having on the car ride home has now abated after eating toasted parmesan, tomato and chive sandwiches. So sleep well!

love mum

ps your dad says “you better love your mum you little shit”.  How sweet.

 

Oh, maybe you’re not ok? please keep on growing.. we love you. October 22, 2008

Filed under: eating,healthcare,pregnancy — rakster @ 2:38 pm
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Dear Speck,

hiya down there.  We’ve just been for the scan.  Are you ok?  I hope so.  Still not sure.

We went to the clinic and I managed to scull about a litre of water in the taxi on the way from work because I’d forgotten to drink a bunch beforehand.  You’re supposed to have a full bladder for the first part of the examination to make it easier to see.  Well, I’m not sure that much of it made it to my bladder but I had drunk so much I felt ill.  My own fault.  Next time I’ll be better prepared.  I met your dad at the clinic and we went in to see the technician.

We were there for a ‘dating and viability’ scan.  But apparently they do expect you to know such things as the exact day your last period started, and how long your normal cycle is.  So the ‘dating’ and viability part only works out if they know approximately how old you should be.  And I really don’t know.  Basically we could see a dark area which the technician said was ‘a pregnancy’, but it was difficult to gauge if everything is going ok, or if its not.  She thought you were a size that indicated you were about 5 weeks old, which didn’t quite tally with the dates I thought about.  They date you from the first day of your last period, and since I’m not 100% sure, it was a bit difficult.

The short of it is that you’re only about 5 weeks old, or you’re too small for your age.  Its a bit scary.  You are in the right spot though, there is a gestation sac that you look like you’re in (though we couldn’t see you, just the sac).  So I’m pretty worried.  We tried to work backwards again, but its hard to work out exactly when I had my last period, because I had just had an operation, we went on holidays, and all of those things (read – mum not so good at keeping track of things like dates and regularity of period etc.  I mean really, its annoying at the best of times, I try not to think about it or let it impact my life as much as possible).  Optimistically, I definitely had my period on the 13th, so by that measure you are only just 5.5 weeks old, which tallies with how big and developed you were on the scan.  But I thought it was a few days before that.  I thought it was more like the 8th, which puts you just over 6 weeks… I guess its only a week, and your Dad thinks that maybe you floated around looking for a comfy spot to land for a long time.  Sometimes it can take up to 7 days, he’s read, so perhaps you’re just a young 5-6 weeks.  And perfectly sized.  I hope so.

Anyway, I’m going to keep eating well for you.  We already have an appointment with the GP in 5 days time, on Monday, and we’ve optimistically made an appointment for another ultrasound to see how big you are in two weeks time.  I hope you’re ok.

love you!  (even though you’re tiny).

mum

 

Howdy stranger. I can’t stop thinking about you! October 19, 2008

Filed under: healthcare,pregnancy — rakster @ 12:59 pm
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Hello Speck! Sunday today – relaxing in the garden.

Well, blood tests on Friday showed that something is definitely there which is making me produce pregnancy hormones. I do hope its you (see, still in slight shock / denial)!

Apparently there was about a measure of 500 somethings. The doctor told me this doubles every day. Normal levels are less than 50? I could have that all wrong. But basically it means you’re there, and I need to wait a few more days until you’re a bit bigger before I go and get a “viability” check. That sounds scary, and I think it is really. But I guess we just have to wait & see. That’s on Wednesday.

Yesterday I did my corporate finance mid-semester exam, which surprisingly wasn’t too hard. I managed to concentrate for 2.5 hours and only thought about you about 10 times in that 2.5 hour period. In between net present value calculations. Fun. Finished that, then your dad came and picked me up and we to the bookshop and bought the Kaz Cooke “Up the Duff” book which I’ve seen at other people’s houses; went car shopping (we nearly bought a new one in the heat of the moment but I think wisely decided we were rushing into things & needed some time to think); and then we went over to Coogee for a BBQ at Deano’s. It was a glorious day – a bit hot but blue and not too sweaty. Sat around and drank ginger beer (yep, no more wine for a while I’m afraid – sorry about that glass the other day – I’m feeling guilty even though Kaz has told me its not going to kill you) and had a great hunk of fish and salad. After a few hours I felt pretty tired, so we had a quiet night at home. With another night of intermittent sleep. God, I hope I can sleep normally again soon. I need to do some more breathing exercises before going to bed perhaps.

Today is Sunday and your dad has gone to Bunnings to buy some tomatoes. I must be pregnant because there is something definitely weird with my hormones – one minute I’m happy & dancing around the house (like now to a live version of Daft Punk’s Harder Faster Deeper Stronger – which rocks – very jealous of your Aunt going to the concert last year in Japan) and the next minute I’m crying for no reason. He is planting out the back garden with some summer herbs.

The garden here doesn’t get very much sun in winter, so they all seem to die-off. I’ve read this morning that I should also be eating lots more parsley. Hopefully he’ll pick some of that up too.

I was going to go and buy a new bikini today but I’m not sure now if I can be bothered. Its all too far away. I might just do it another time instead. Maybe I should go & buy some wheatbran and eat it by the kilo. It seems like it has a bunch of nutritionally useful things that might help you grow up to be healthy & happy. As you can see I am presently obsessed with what I should or not be eating. The last chapter of Kaz focussed on that. Your dad was offended that I thought he wasn’t doing a good enough job looking after me and cooking a balanced diet for me when I read the book this morning and came up with suggestions to change our diet slightly. I didn’t mean to offend him at all – he does an amazing job – but I think my nutrition requirements will be somewhat different having to cater for you as well.

Hope you’re well down there. Get some rest.

love mum

 

Speck Day Two. Hello… Are you still there? Do you have a heartbeat yet? October 17, 2008

Hi Speck!

It’s your mum here.  I’m feeling a bit more confident about writing in the first person now that I’ve had almost 24 hours to think about the fact that I’M PREGNANT with you (I feel like shouting and jumping up and down with glee every time i think that or say it out aloud).   It’s all a bit of a strange feeling.  Your dad is totally excited and is now putting my annoying behaviour every 5 minutes down to hormones.  I suspect this will continue for at least a few years now.

So I didn’t tell you this but yesterday we went to the doctor.  I had an operation about six weeks ago to have a cyst taken from beside my left ovary, and yesterday was the 6 week follow-up.  The doctor was busy trying to tell us that he thought my reproductive system was all ok (well, at least that my fallopian tubes worked) as he’d checked it after the operation by running blue dye through them.  I had to interrupt and let him know that we thought they were ok too, because I appeared to be pregnant.  It feels strange telling people.  I have found myself saying that I “might be pregnant”.   Your dad and the doctor both said that there is usually a “pregnant” or “not pregnant” and nothing much in-between.  I think I’m still coming to terms with it (happily, but warily too…  ).

The doctor referred me to go and get a blood test which will hopefully tell us how much of the pregnancy hormone I have floating around in my blood, which might let us know a bit better how old you are and that you are in the right spot (ie in my uterus rather than somewhere else).  I went and got the blood test this morning and will get the results back this afternoon.  I must say though, that you are very distracting and I am finding it hard to concentrate.  I have a corporate finance exam tomorrow and I should be studying, but at this stage it seems relatively insignificant.  So.. awaiting blood test results.  By the way, I should make the point now that I absolutely HATE blood tests – they make me feel so sick that I feel queasy just thinking about it.  I’m sorry if this is stressful for you too – perhaps I’ll get better as we go along – I’ve heard from friends that I might start to feel like a pin cushion during this pregnancy.

We celebrated last night with some home-cooked Mexican food.  Yum.  Your dad cooked while I sat and wrote the first post and then madly looked at pregancy websites trying to work out what is happening to me and you at the moment and what comes next.  We were going to buy a book on the way home from the doctor but he wisely suggested I should wait until after my exam.  That was probably good advice but I find I’m totally distracted by you regardless (I’ve set myself another half an hour and then I REALLY am going to go and study). I also started to write some lists.  Lists of things I need to do in order to get ready for you.  I’m sure it will be never-ending, but a few things that I thought of straight away were things the doctor mentioned and things I’ve been wanting to do when I did get pregnant..  The lists we’ve got are:

  • things to organise.. this is going to be never-ending
  • bets on the date you’ll join us outside my stomach
  • names we think you might have (by the way, we decided since you were still so small and spitting up and growing all the time each day at the moment that we’d call you Speck.  But we also decided that as you get bigger we might have to come up with a different name for you.  Hope you don’t get too confused).

I also introduced you to JJJ and we did some dancing.  I expect you’ll hate the music I like as I generally dislike my mother’s music, but at least you’ll hopefully have at least some sense of a beat.

I didn’t sleep very well as I think my brain went into overload thinking about all the things we need to do before you arrive, and the fact that you’re coming at all really.  We’ve wanted to have you for a while, but now you’re coming it is all a bit daunting.   So this morning this is what I’ve done (see you’re already taking up a lot of my day…):

  • phone the hospital to make an appointment and book in your birth (who would have thought you need to do this so soon??? – but the doctor advised they do get booked out)
  • gone to the pathology place and had a blood test.  I thought I coped pretty well really.  I didn’t pass out this time (i did last time).
  • made sure I ate breakfast for once.   Scrambled eggs to get you some protein.  I’m still vegetarian and one of the things on my list is to go and check my diet with the dietician so I don’t starve you of the things you need…  By the way, I’m really sorry that I skipped breakfast on you a bunch of times earlier this month.
  • phoned the childcare centre & put in an application for you.  Apparently its so busy you might not even get in for kindy.  Considering still really just a little Speck in my uterus (hopefully) it seems a sad reflection on our society that there might be no-where for you to go play with other kids while I do some work.

My half-hour is almost up.  I can’t decide if I am feeling queasy because I potentially have a mild form of morning-sickness (I think I felt like this for a while at work yesterday before I did the test but was busy and just put it down to being a bit off-colour); or if I am just over-excited.

I hope you’re doing well today.   Have a bit of a boogie down there & don’t take it too seriously.  I’m probably just a worry wart.

love you

-mum