my-speck

Hello Little Speckle.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.  Yes. Me.  I am a person.  And I’m a separate person from you, believe it or not.  I know you don’t understand that yet, and you definitely think my boobs are just yours for the taking.  But believe me, I’m a person.  And over the last few weeks it’s had me thinking a lot about that fact.  I guess doing some long hard thinking and wondering where I fit into the equation of our family.  And where the ‘me’ bit is in it all.

Actually, this question has been niggling away at the back of my mind for months.  It started when I was pregnant – I guess one of the reasons I started this blog. A realisation that to you, for many years, I’m just going to be ‘mum’. And it will be taken-for-granted that I will be there for you, with you, in the background of your life. I thought a lot about the fact that you wouldn’t even conceive that I did things and had a fruitful and fulfilling life before you came along. Just wouldn’t be interested…

Since you were born it’s changed to a more day-to-day struggle to balance out the ‘mum’ from the ‘me’. From talking to lots of other mums, it seems a very common contemplation.  It really is a difficult adjustment going from full-time gainful employment in your chosen career and a busy and active social life with just yourself and your partner to think of and straight into motherhood.  I’ve been happy, alternately anxious, happy again, tired, exhausted, wonderously surprised, excited, busy, planning…  It is definitely is an up and down road.

So I’m happy today because I feel like I did something for myself this week.  All for me.   A small thing,  but it feels like an achievement.  Actually, a couple of things:

Ricotta Hotcakes with Stewed Peaches

1. I did the second installment of my not-new-year’s-resolution resolution – to try to cook at least one new thing a week.  Last week was apple pie.  This week in honour of your aunt Milla in NY’s birthday, I made Bill Granger’s Ricotta Hotcakes but with a variation – I just stewed up some of the plentiful and delicious fresh peaches that are in season and served with that.  I’ve posted the recipe… You ate some too:
   

   Poogie eating ricotta hotcakes

2. I almost got your Dad’s website finished.  It’s  been a learning process, and I’ve been at it for a while.  But when we FINALLY get the stuff from the graphic designers, I’ll be able to launch it.  Whew.
3. Most importantly, I found the book I was looking for.  When I say found, I mean: searched through and emptied about 15 dirty, dusty, musty boxed from in our store room to find (the boxes are part of the around 50 boxes we have down there stored full of stuff from one of the four times we’ve moved house in the last five years but not yet unpacked).  So I found it: the book my mum was assistant editor on years and years ago about homebirth.  Yay.  There is a reason I wanted it, which I’ll explain in another post, but suffice to say it’s been on my “want-to-do” list for at  least two months and your dad thankfully took you out yesterday afternoon, allowing me to root around in the storeroom and find it.  Along with boxes of kitchen appliances, serving platters, more books, old clothes…

No doubt I won’t feel quite as elated tomorrow, and I’ll continue to oscillate back and forth on all sorts of things like a yo-yo. But for today I feel GOOD and quite pleased with myself.

Love and kisses
your mum